The Jay Has A New Home!

Just to keep our four regular visitors informed, I have a new website!

www.TheJay.com

It's funny, its free, and there's a bunch of cool photos of screwed up celebrities looking stupid. Can't go wrong with that!

Bangarang, TheJay.com!

A-Train and The Jay Do America!

THE JAY - 3:17 p.m.

Fine recap, my heterosexual traveling companion! Since you handled the bare facts, I’ll take the creative stuff. With so many sights and sounds, eats and beats, and generally just a large assortment of choices available to two scruffy looking Cali-born nerf herders hitting the highway, it’s a moral imperative that we break the trip down to its barest essentials. Namely, the best and the worst of all that we encountered on our infamous trip to the East. Enjoy.

Best Meal
This is a tough one, as we hit New Orleans, Atlanta, NC and Texas, all known for quality grub. But for my money, New Orleans beats the bunch. The dinner we had at that hole on Bourbon St included: red beans and rice, ribs, gumbo, crawfish etouffe, jambalaya, and something fine eats I can’t remember. You can’t beat that.

Worst Meal
Well the IHOP in Austin at four in the morning was pretty crappy. We mostly did ok on the food beat.

Easiest Part of the Drive
The patch of land from Atlanta to North Carolina was absolute cake. The homestretch is always the most satisfying.

Hardest Part of the Drive
That disgusting piece of land known as Texas. At no point did we enjoy the time we drove in that wretched state. We should have let that shit go to Mexico.

Best Road Trip Munchie
Red Swedish Fish, may they hail for eternity as the last saving grace of gummy candy. Chocodiles also kick a little ass. Just, you know, by the by…

Worst Road Trip Munchie
Psych! There’s no such thing… road trip munchie’s rule!

Coolest Weather Related Moment
The lightning storms in New Mexico. There’s nothing cooler than lightning on the prairie for two kids who never get to see lightning. Or prairie’s.

Crappiest Weather Related Moment
The ungodly rains of the Southeast. I’m super-glad we missed Katrina, but damn if she didn’t signal her arrival with the intense rain we hit driving through Texas and Alabama.

Best Deal in the Land
The drink prices at the not-so-crummy sports bar in ghetto-ass El Paso. Two dollars for a rum and coke… with tip! We could have gotten bombed for fourteen bucks and change. It was wise of us to get out when we did before Drunk Jason showed up and bought a cot in the back.

Worst Deal in the Land
The gas prices in just about every town we passed. What’s with this insanity? Oil can’t be this hard to get. We have the best scientists in the world and we can’t figure out a cheap alternative fuel source? This is a conspiracy just waiting to happen. You’re telling me that if the world suddenly dried out of oil that we wouldn’t have a suitable replacement. Dude, no joke, I bet they have an alternative fuel source, but since us schmucks keep paying up the ass for gas then that source is gonna stay sitting in a box next to the Holy Grail from that warehouse in Raiders.

Best Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
I didn’t put pants or shoes on for a week! I was rocking the comfort of gym shorts and flip flops 24/7. Aww yeah!

Worst Part About Driving All Day, Every Day, For A Week
Did we mention that Texas sucks? As does Texas highway patrolmen? And the big ass rocks that litter Texas roads?

Best Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Tie between the hilarity of Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, and the coolness of the Criterion Collection audio commentary of the classic action flick The Rock. Bonus points for finally cementing the belief that Nic Cage is anything but a total tool. Shut UP, Nic Cage.

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player
Duece Bigalow just does not keep up. What was I thinking about, liking this movie? What was Sony thinking about, making a sequel to a one joke pony whose joke isn’t that funny to begin with?

Worst Movie Watched on The Jay’s Trip-Saving Portable DVD Player, Part 2
The extras on the Chappelle’s Show season two DVD. Who would have though that the funniest show on television was so hit or miss? They must have the best editors in the business, because we turned that shit off after the fifteenth minute of Rick James cut scenes. The milk’s gone bad!

Best Trip-Saver
It goes with out saying, but if you’re gonna drive cross country and don’t have a portable DVD player, well then you’re just being dumb.

Best Trip-Saver, Part 2
The “no-punching” rule. A-Train is a bitch, this is a known fact. And truth be told, I ain’t the easiest person to be in enclosed spaces with. So a no hitting rule was probably the smartest decision we made all trip. It was definitely the only thing that saved us from descending into bitter savagery during the 23rd hour of our mind-bendingly long and extremely stupid 30 hour trek across the asspit of Texas.

Best Movie-going Experience… ever?
The random theater in that North Carolina mall was so sweet; great service, clean bathrooms, cheap tickets, and best of all… pure silence during the movie. God damn, now I remember why I used to like going to the movies. This is all just further evidence that everyone in LA sucks, because we have some of the finest theaters in the country, and yet maddeningly, have easily the absolute worst crowds in the WORLD. I mean, seriously, shut UP fuckers who talk during movies. At The Bridge! Where the tickets cost sixteen bucks! Go use up your cell phones minutes somewhere else! Ass.

State with the Hottest Girls
If there’s one thing we learned in our time on the road, it’s that we have one butt-ugly country. From the time we left Manhattan Beach, till the time we got to New Orleans, we did not see one pretty girl. Not one! Mikey from Swingers was right; LA is like some magical gene pool where the top two percent of hotness come to congregate. I may never leave the state again.

Scariest Moment of the Trip
It’s called driving over the wrong side of the tracks in Downtown San Antonio. Crazy people central. It was like something out of a Romero zombie-flick. Man alive, Texas blows.

Dumbest Drunk Jason Decision
This has already been covered by A-Train, but yeah, head butting the pole was a bad idea.

Smartest Drunk Jason Decision
Ha! Just making sure you’re paying attention. Drunk Jason is incapable of smart decisions. It’s his kryptonite. Like not being a bitch is A-Train’s kryptonite.

Best Moment of the Trip
This is gonna sound corny, but all of it was the best. I couldn’t have asked for a better cross country road trip experience, or a better traveling companion. I hate you A-Train, you know that, but I love you man. You’re my boy, Blue!

But next time… let’s skip Texas. What a shithole.

Bangarang, Road Trip!

DVD Must Haves and a Lame Excuse

THE JAY - 11:47 p.m.

So because I'm such a jackass and went on a road trip this weekend, I completely forgot the end of the month blog deadline. We here at AvsJ try to bring you something new at least once a month, something fresh, and if we can manage it, something funny. But I basically dropped the ball on July. So much went down in the 07 that I neglected our poor little blog.

Since it's late in the night and August is almost upon us I don't have the time to create something new out of thin air. And since A-Train and I are not fighting about any thing crucial or in particular right now, I'm fresh out of witty retorts for my toe-headed friend.

So instead of giving you any more of my lame excuses, I'm gonna give you a peek at an column that I just had published by my good friends over at Hungry Student Magazine. They commisioned my to write a piece on the DVD's that every college student MUST HAVE, and a happily concocted my list. So for now, enjoy the piece, and as soon as I come up for air, I promise something a bit better that written reruns.

A DVD FOR ALL SEASONS

By: The Jay

So picture this: you and your boys (or girls, whichever the case may be) are pre-partying for a night on college town, but the stereo is broken. So you throw on a movie to get pumped up. What are you gonna put on? You could put on a Rocky movie, but that would just make everyone wanna go work out. Maybe you could try something like Friday, but then someone’s gonna be carrying and then no one is leaving the apartment. So what do you do? You drop in Old School, of course! And before Frank the Tank is doing his “one”, your crew is ready for a night to remember.

It’s all about the right movie at the right time. And since most college students have so much to worry about (what junk food to buy during finals, what music to illegally download from the dorm computer network, etc.), provided is an all-purpose list for what DVD’s every college student should have for any occasion.

American Pie – For when you want to remember what you left behind.

PCU or Van Wilder – For when you forget where you are right now.

Office Space or Clerks – For when you need to decide what not to do after you graduate.

Swingers – For when it’s time for that spontaneous road trip. Vegas, baby? Indeed, Vegas!

Rounders – Poker Night? Pop it in, press play and deal the cards.

Half Baked – Well… this one is a little obvious.

The Notebook – When you and your date just wanna stay in and rock it, Netflix style. Also, everyone likes this movie, girls and guys. Even the guys that say that don’t.

For guys: Fight Club – It’s testosterone time and you need a fix.

For girls: Bridget Jones’s Diary – It’s estrogen time and you need a fix.

For both: Jerry Maguire – When a couple just can’t decide who gets to choose. Sports movie or chick flick. Why not both? We here at Hungry Student Magazine are for equal opportunity. Bonus points for it being before Tom Cruise went certifiably insane.

The Rules of Attraction – Because hey, at least your school isn’t this screwed up. Or has Dawson as a student.

Garden State – You need to watch this movie, it’ll totally change your life.

Ocean’s Eleven – For when your fraternity, sorority or random assembly of friends decides to do something just this side of stupid, and needs reassurance that there not being stupid. Note: Yes it is stupid, and yes you should still do it anyway.

Mallrats – Finals time and you need to blow off steam by laughing for two straight hours? Jay and Silent Bob will make it all better. Snoogans!

The Star Wars Trilogy – For when it’s totally geek out time… what else are you gonna put on? And no, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy is not the right answer. That’s to put on during a mammoth all night study session when you just want background noise and the occasional “Elijah Wood sucks” joke.

And finally…

The Matrix – Because there’s always time for a little Keanu.

If a situation arises that we haven’t covered, stop, breath and go straight to Pulp Fiction. All answers lie within. It’s all gonna be ok.

Bangarang, Tardy Slacker The Jay!

The Jay Looks Forward to the Rest of 2005...

THE JAY - 12:07 a.m.

With the big gun of 2005 five out of the way (Order 66!), and an entire slate of beyond crappy movies wiped from our theaters and sent packing to DVD land, it’s time to look forward to the rest of the year. The horizon holds promise; several high profile flicks, great directors coming back and an ever curious group of potential sleeper-flicks. Oh, and of course, lots to make fun of.

So here at A-Train vs. The Jay, we have decided to compile our respective lists of the films we are most looking forward to for the rest of the year. As well, we will include the films we are least looking forward to, and in a related issue, our topics of harsh, sarcastic discussion. Enjoy.

MOVIES I'M MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Batman Begins – The only thing that could get me more excited about this flick is if Michael Keaton showed up in a surprise cameo. Love me some Keaton.

War of the Worlds – I’m dying to see what made Tom eights ways of crazy. And also, Spielberg + Aliens = Awesome. That’s like, better than the Pythagorean theory.

Wedding Crashers – I’ve already seen it, and its high hilarity. I’m looking forward to being able to quote the flick with all my friends. Lock it down!

Sky High – Pure, unadulterated goofy fun. And doesn’t love seeing Kurt Russell playing iconic?

The New World – The best trailer I have seen in years. Farrell will bring it. Trust me.

Aeon Flux – I am just dying to see if Charlize can pull this off. Bar none the best sci-fi script I have read in years. This is a big franchise just waiting to happen.

Ultraviolet – Kurt Wimmer’s follow up to Equilibrium. More Gun-kata!

Untitled Mike Judge Project – The last time Mike Judge made a movie it changed the way we look at TPS Reports. Gotta give him the early confidence.

The Transporter 2 – An old school, throwback action flick? Yes please!

Red Eye – The Next (Rachel McAdams) does a thriller. I could watch her watch paint dry and I’d be riveted.

Into the Blue – I mean have you seen the trailer? Hello, Alba!

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – This episode has a lot to prove after the brilliance of Azkaban. But any film that has Emma Watson in it can’t be all bad.

Domino – Keira Knightley is the new Man on Fire. Hee!

Elizabethtown – Can Cameron Crowe pull a non-historical performance out of Orlando Bloom? I don’t doubt the man that made Lloyd Dobler


MOVIES I'M LEAST LOOKING FORWARD TO:

Fantastic Four – Probably the worst looking Marvel movie since Thomas Jane thought he was cooler than Dolph Lundgren. Nothing about this movie looks good, from the casting to the trailers to the costumes to the infamous shitty script. It’ll make a mint, but it ain’t gonna be worth salt.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – This one is just a hunch. I got a bad feeling about this.

Herbie: Fully Loaded – How the mighty have fallen. 2005 will mark not the downfall of the once mighty Lakers, or the trail of Michael Jackson, but the demise of the once-red headed, formerly curvaceous hottie known as Lindsay Lohan. May she rest in peace. Plastics forever!

Underworld: Evolution – The first one wasn’t any good and didn’t make any money. Who greenlit this piece of shit? God!

Saw 2 – The first flick was so over-rated I was nauseous before the opening credits ended. And though I love him, someone has got to stop Cary Elwes before he ruins another movie.

Big Momma’s House 2 – Did we really need more Big Momma movies? I mean, really?

Bewitched – More evidence that Nicole Kidman is withering away into nothingness. This one smells as bad as that shite Stepford Wives flick she dropped last summer. Not even Ron Burgundy can save this upcoming albatross.

Rent – Hollywood, stop making musicals. And Chris Columbus, please stop thinking you can do anything other than Macaulay Culkin movies and Goonie flicks. Thus endeth the lesson.

Rebound – Dammit, who keeps funding Martin Lawrence movies? Do we really need another "bad coach teaches a scrappy team of losers to win" movie? How soon we forget Kicking & Screaming.

The Producers – Nobody wants to see this movie. Trust me. What a waste. The play did phenomenal business. What good will the flick do aside from filling the pockets of Mel Brooks? Dude, go make Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money, at least I’d respect you.

Bangarang, Crappy 2005 Movies!